Journal #3
I have spent more than a quarter of my life dedicated to intensive therapy in attempt to cultivate the best version of myself, but more importantly establish a balanced discernment when navigating real or imagined experiences. By exploring as many healing modalities as I could afford, I slowly integrated and built a framework of understanding for my feelings and intuition.
My response to years of gaslighting and invalidation within abusive systems was an almost perpetual state of dissociation mixed with a dorsal vagal shutdown, meaning the lights were on but nobody was home. What often looked like daydreaming in a sleepy child, aloofness in an exhausted adolescent, or a cold shoulder in a burned out adult was in fact a disconnection from the outside world in attempt to protect the peace of my inner world.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, EMDR, and Somatic Therapy were just a few of the healing modalities I explored to gain control of my life and function as an independent, contributing member of society. I made incredible strides, but in my moments of overwhelm the hardwired reflexes of dissociation and dorsal vagal shutdown resurrect my fear of a future with no chance of enduring redemption.
As with all trauma survivors, I am left with the dangerous artifacts of my past, tumbling through my system in wait for activation, and only I possess the tools to cleanse what predatory spirits continue to haunt the hidden corners of my mind, heart, and soul. In my most vulnerable moments, those ancient lies are resurrected and in order to move forward I must consistently sooth those invisible wounds with the sound salve of compassion repeatedly administered over time’s steady flow. It is the cross that every trauma survivors must bear, in that we did not create this injury, but it is our responsibility to forever mind its looming potential to destroy our peace.
There are still times when I label every decision I’ve ever made as an ignorant mistake, or invalidate my deepest intuitions by stereotyping them as vapid imaginations. But in the momentary glimmers of supernatural clarity, I can take a step back and marvel at the astonishing beauty of the winding road I have paved over the years. Those impossible mountains I have conquered are more majestic in the atmospheric haze of dusk, and I can look forward to the steps I take towards the dawn.
Thank you for joining me on this journey today.