Journal #2
I’m tempted to pour over social media again. Blowing more time away rather than sitting and centering myself. Listening to my own thoughts. There are many more things I want to talk about and the time went by so fast today, the day before that, and the day before that.
Instead of obsessing over Zozo’s last year and feeling painfully inadequate in the months leading up to his death, I can think about the fourteen years we had together. The fourteen years where I saved him, time and time again. And in doing so he ultimately saved me.
Fuck. I can already feel myself trying to run from this entry again. Instead I sit, berating myself over the fact that I haven’t already saved the hearts and minds of humanity. This is one of my most common and admittedly favorite redemption fantasies.
In this self-deprecating thought experiment, I finally redeem my value in the eyes of every being by releasing the blocks to our greatest human potential. However, this impossibly high bar of expectation ensures that I sabotage any chance of living out my more realistic dreams, because I’ve constructed an unrealistic milestone that must be attained before earning the right to live life as any normal human.
Much of my life was spent fantasizing over attaining a better, healthier, perfect version of myself. Culturally we’re groomed to see the value in this ideation, but for people afflicted by traumas that leave an indelible mark of shame, redemption fantasies can be the perfect tool to rob oneself of executive function and procrastinate on experiencing the most fundamental joys in life.
That being said, I still believe the world can fundamentally change, and even one person holds the power to tangibly shift consciousness for a generation of souls seeking peace within themselves. I even think a rational part of me desires to see if these possibilities are attainable, the same way an scientist might run an experiment, or an engineer might attempt to build a machine that will one day fly.
Having a clear understanding that my redemption fantasy may fail and I could be a fool for pursuing the outcome of an impossible experiment, I will continue pursuing the development of a system created to inspire and guide others on their path to experiencing every joy imaginable.
I hope that my efforts will someday create a world where we are safe to express the innocence and playful curiosity that lays dormant in so many of us.